


My heart knows, the mind will follow

by Sasanka27



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Memory Loss, Mentioned Lee Minhyuk (Monsta X), Recovered Memories, Sad with a Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:36:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24132193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sasanka27/pseuds/Sasanka27
Summary: Kihyun wakes up from a nightmare and meets a stranger in his kitchen. His mind is refusing to let him know who that stranger trully is.Showki mini bingo 2020Prompt: hurt/comfort, card C
Relationships: Son Hyunwoo | Shownu/Yoo Kihyun
Comments: 14
Kudos: 105
Collections: showki mini-bingo 2020





	My heart knows, the mind will follow

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, here is my second bingo prompt! I know I'm slow because now Im at work as usual and way more tired ufuf  
> Also please note this is only a fiction and human brain is so damn complicated I just wrote it the way I wanted it, I am not a doctor ok? Ok you can continue.

> _  
> Kihyun was singing sweet tunes with the radio while the other person in the car was driving. As he finished singing the song the other leaned towards heater while still keeping the eyes on he road, and turned it up._
> 
> _“Thanks but you don't have to turn it up, we are almost home.” Kihyun said and reached for the buttons to turn it down only for the other to catch his hand and kiss his knuckles before releasing it._
> 
> _“Its cold and I saw you shiver...I do not want you to get another cold since you recently recovered from one so don't you dare to turn it down.”_
> 
> _“Ah I see... so you don't want to take care of me again huh?” Kihyun asked a tricky question but the other answered right away without hesitating._
> 
> _“Its not that. I love to take care of you I just don't want you to suffer or else I can't hear your beautiful singing everyday.” The other said while briefly looking at Kihyun._
> 
> _“Ah nice save... thats sweet of you my dear Honeybear.”_
> 
> _Driver chuckled over the nickname. “Your sweet dear Honeybear has a name you know.”_
> 
> _“I know..but I like the way you smile at my nicknames.”_
> 
> _“If it makes you happy then I have no objections, you are way too cute Kihyunnie.”_
> 
> _“I'm not cuute stooop. I'm spectacular handsome young man!” Kihyun shouted enthusiastically._
> 
> _“Ah you mean noisy spectacular young man.”_
> 
> _“Im not noisyyy!” Kihyun complained and playfully hit the other over his arm. “Also you forgot handsome.” He then complained and crossed his arms, pretending to be upset._
> 
> _“Ah of course I did cause you are_ **_my_ ** _spectacular beautiful husband aha there you go blushing after so many years- so cute.” The other chuckled seeing Kihyun shy, if he wasn't driving he would tease him more and pinch his cheeks._
> 
> _“Stop calling me cute H-“_
> 
> _Out of nowhere there was blinding light coming towards the side, a car out of control. The car hit Kihyun's side hard he couldn't even manage to scream because everything went dark so quick._

~

Kihyun sat up quickly on the bed, covered in sweat, breathing heavily, wide awake from the nightmare that felt way too real. _Who is-Who was it?_

His left hand absentmindedly reached on the other side of the bed, which was empty. He looked at the empty side beside him and frowned. _Why am I reaching there? And why do I have such a big bed?_

He stood up from the bed but his head immediately pounded with pain and he felt suddenly nauseous so he sat on the edge of the bed for a few seconds until his vision became clear and the pain became bearable. Then he slowly stood up and opened the door in a search of a kitchen. The house was dark but he didn't switch any lights, sun behind curtains was slowly rising so there was a bit of daylight coming through windows, his body was acting out of habit in the dark and he reached kitchen without any problems.

He felt deja vu when he stepped in the kitchen and went to sink to look outside the window above it. _This feels like another dream in a dream. Odd but it doesn't feel new._ Like he knew it was his home but something was just _missing_.

He tried to remember his dream, while he searched for glass in the cabinets, but he couldn't recall the dream at all now. _Ah that's probably good I can't remember it, yet my heart is still beating like it was real._ There was silence and Kihyun drinked cold water, he was still deep in thoughts and didn't really paid attention to the noise around him or noticing when main door of the house clicked shut.

He noticed someone's presence only when he heard the person spoke behind him.

“Ah are you already awake? I didn't wake you right? I tried my best to be quiet.”

Kihyun quickly turned and the glass from his hands slipped and crushed loudly with the floor. There was a stranger by the door, man that was tall, wearing running attire, stepping close to him.

“Don't… ” That was all he could say, his heart beating fast in the chest. 

“Kihyun be careful or you step on the glass. Let me clean it up, you don't even have your slippers on.” The stranger was reaching to him with his hand now so he could guide him out of the mess since the daylight was still not that bright so early in the morning but Kihyun stepped back instead, not recognizing the man before him at all.

“Don't touch me!” Kihyun stepped one more step back, almost stepping at some of the pieces of the shattered glass.

“Kihyun.” Care in the voice of the newcomer turned into hurt and it was evident in his eyes too, he realized then what was really going on, he had a suspicion when he saw Kihyun in the dark since the younger usually switched on the light, but he didn't wanted to believe it. He didn't want to believe its happening again. _No_ , _please, let me be wrong._

“I don't even know you! Who the hell are you? ...why are you at my house!”

The hurt in stranger's eyes deepened, now sure what exactly was happening. He wished it was just a dream for the sake of younger, for the sake of his later regrets and hurting.

It hurt the stranger to lie to Kihyun but there was no other choice now. “Oh I am, your h-housemate. I live in this house too.” He chose words carefully because of already living this scenario more times the other knew, he stopped counting it for the sake of both of them yet it still hurt the same as it did the first time.

Kihyun stepped away more, keeping the distance between them. It was weird to him, he had a good memory on remembering anyone after first meeting. “Well...how do I not recognize you then if you live here?” He asked, curious now. The stranger didn't seem as a thief, he couldn't figure it out, his head hurt more when he thinked about it yet his heart couldn't calm down. _Why are you like this stupid heart, just calm down._

“Did you have a nightmare?” The stranger asked.

Kihyun furrowed his brows together. _Why ask this but- how does he know?_ “I - wait how do you know that if you weren't even here?”

The other sighed, looking away. He just wanted to hug the confused man before him, yet he couldn't since he knew it could get worse in seconds. “I suspect that is _the_ trigger for this... recurring circle.”

“What do you mean?” Kihyun got even more curious and stepped closer, his hands in front of him as if he wanted to touch the stranger. 

“We- you had an accident 3 years ago... a bad one.. and uhm I'm not a doctor so I'll put it just simply...sometimes after having a nightmare your long term memory doesn't kick in when you wake up. As if your mind is protecting you by blocking that memory and some situations or persons.”

“You think I'm going to believe it? What kind of story is this!” Kihyun stepped away, it sounded ridiculous. _Why do I somehow believe it deep down._

“As I said I'm not a doctor, but its a unpredictable condition. It just happens...rarely now... Reach behind your right ear, you have a big scar there as an unwanted reminder of the accident...It was bad.. so bad.” The stranger was close to tears, his eyes were glossy but he just blinked it away.

Kihyun's heart hurt for seeing the stranger hurting just explaining this, he wanted to hug the stranger and tell him its okay that he is okay now, his mind fighted the thought.... _why would I do it?_ He slowly reached to his head and brushed his fingers across the side, he felt the sensitive place, hidden under his hair, tracing the scar with the fingertips carefully. It reached from behind the ear almost to his forehead. “Oh my god.” He felt dizzy suddenly and had to hold onto the counter.

“Please please sit down, you get light headed easily- " stranger rushed to him and reached for Kihyun's hand again but retreated the hand so he wouldn't scare him so he rather motioned to a bar stool that was closest to them.

Kihyun believed the stranger now. “I-what do I do does my memory kick in right ahead or?” Kihyun sat down, overwhelmed, confused.

The other sighed again and took a deep breath, he just wanted to hug Kihyun and tell him everything but he couldn't do it at once at this fragile state. “Sometimes it does, sometimes it take hours or.. few days.” _You hate it if its days_. “Just take it easy, doctor said we cannot rush it when it happens.” 

There was a silence, Kihyun was in deep thoughts again, forcing his mind to remember, it hurt. 

Seeing the focused look on Kihyuns face, the stranger spoke. “If it makes you feel better its been quite a while it happened last so we started to think it might be gone this time.”

“Ah okay..I guess thats good... I want to remember I really do but my head hurts a lot right now.”

“Of course, I have your painkillers around here somewhere.” The taller stranger said and quickly went to search for the pills in the cabinets, he found the little bottle quickly. “We might call a doctor and get you appointment its been long really.” He said while giving the bottle to Kihyun and went to fetch him a glass of water.

Kihyun looked at the bottle of pills that had his name on it. “Thank you.. Wait... we should wait few hours, lets wait ok? Promise me to wait.”

“Okay but if it takes too long or-.”

“Then I'll go to that doctor alright or you'll take me there since I don't really know where to go if thats not bothering you I mean. You are probably a busy person…”

“Its okay with me, I always go with you...I mean if you want me there I will.”

Kihyun smiled sincerely at this _friend_ he had. _Such a nice friend. How do I live with such a hottie. Damn Kihyun_. “Thanks, you seem like a good friend. I'm so sorry I don't remember you.”

“Don't apologize Its okay I got my way around it now. You don't throw anything that is good.”

“Oh my god, I'm so sorry!”

“Don't apologize…I know you didn't meant it, it was long ago anyway.”

“Can I ask how many times did it happen? If you know it ..Everything is familiar to me in the house, its like my body act out of habit yet I don't remember you? How could... I'm sorry I never forget faces and names its so odd.. I mean I didn't at least before the accident."

“Hey slow down with the questions. One at a time we cannot get your mind all overheated, Kihyuni-Kihyun.”

 _Did he just almost called me Kihyunnie? We must be close friends, I don't let much people call me that._ “Then please tell me short version of what happened.”

“You were in the hospital for almost a year, it only started when you came home from the hospital, I blame the pills they were too many of them in the start yet it didn't help you much from this happening.”

“Was it often?”

”It.. It was in the beginning twice, three times a week then once a month and now it was over half a year since the last...I thought that maybe its over.” _We both did._

“Oh.” Kihyun took minute to process it. "Oh how impolite I'm sorry to ask ehm, can I ask for your name?" 

He felt a sting in heart, everytime Kihyun asked him. “Its Hyunwoo.”

“Ah Hyunwoo, a lovely name.” Kihyun smiled.

_Its like he knows me yet his mind refuse and blocks it._

“Wait! There were two in the car, I don't have a license well I didn't at least. I can recall from the dream only that there was a driver there with me! I can't remember it exactly right now its a blur, like a flash-.” Kihyun was afraid to ask now when he knew his condition was really bad back then, he was afraid the driver didn't make it.

 _Because the nightmare is a memory,_ Hyunwoo thought.

“How...how is the other person?” He asked after a while.

 _He's happy everyday that you are alive._ “The driver only had broken leg, don't worry.” Hyunwoo said, reasuring Kihyun it wasn't bad. “Your side got the hit, you had it way worse and-“ he couldn't continue. 

"Please don't cry, I feel like I can't bear to see you cry over me." Kihyun said his thought outloud this time.

"I'll try not to, I'm sorry... I just am really glad you survived that day." He smiled sadly at Kihyun, eager to hold him in his arms but knew he cannot rush anything or Kihyun might pass out easily if it was too much for his fragile mind right now. He changed the topic. “How about I'll make a tea? I know its early but tea can calm you down a bit.”

"Of course.. I'll go wash my face in the meantime? I went straight to kitchen from the bedroom when I woke up."

 _Wait he said bedroom-not his room?_ “Oh its-”

“Second door at right?” Kihyun asked just to be sure.

“Correct."

“I'll be right back.”

“No rush, just go slow if you feel dizzy ok?”

Kihyun smiled at Hyunwoo and nodded before leaving the room.

Hyunwoo busied himself with cleaning the shattered glass and preparing the tea for both of them. It somehow always were the same similar sentences, but Hyunwoo has become patient now and he was willing to wait _days_. It hurt a lot but if Kihyun remembered in the end he didn't care that his heart ached. What he hated most about this was how the other selfloathe himself afterward, after he did remember he hated himself for something that wasn't his fault. That hurt his heart the most. 

Kihyun went to the bathroom but before he washed his face he checked the scar in the mirror. He saw the white scar hidden under his hair, no one would notice it really, his hair fell over it and covered it nicely, but it was there as an unvited guest no one asked for. The scar was there as a reminder of that fateful day.

He saw in the mirror how his eyes become glossy, he wanted to cry he didn't remember it, he _hated_ that his friend Hyunwoo had to be so careful around him. _He has to take care of me when this happens I hate this._ He splashed the tears that were forming in the corner of his eyes with water again and dried his face. He checked in the mirror if his eyes are not red before leaving the bathroom, so there would be no evidence he teared up. He absentmindedly touched up the messy hair but stopped. _What am I doing he is my friend also he already saw that mess uh stop Kihyun get it together!_ He left the bathroom but stopped on the hallway to look over the beautiful big painting that was on the wall. 

It was beautiful place, full of flowers and nice view, with blossoming trees around, the colors so bright and welcoming. _A park? A garden?_ He felt warm spreading around his chest just looking at it.

“Ah you love that one a lot even though its not my best piece.” Hyunwoo said stepping out of living room, passing Kihyun in the hallway.

“You painted it?” Kihyun asked.

“Oh um yea. It's a hobby of mine.” Hyunwoo said, looking at his hands, he held something silver there. Frame maybe?

Kihyun thought it was a frame with photograph but didn't asked about it because he thought Hyunwoo will show it to him anyway when they sit down. “Its really beautiful, you are very talented.” _I can't point it out but that place feels so familiar._

"Thank you but my paintings can't compare with your photographs." Hyunwoo praised Kihyun proudly. 

“I still do that?” Kihyun asked, while they both moved to the kitchen. Kihyun sat on his place right away. Hyunwoo noticed it and went on the other side so he could sat oposite on his place.

”Yea you are a well known photographer now actually.” Hyunwoo stated proudly again and sat down on the other side of the table. The tea was already on the table prepared. 

”That sounds amazing.” Kihyun shouted excitedly. “What do you do, If I may ask?”

”You may. I own a dance academy now, after years of being a choreographer.“

”That sounds so cool!” Kihyun shouted happily in the quiet house, happy for him.

Hyunwoo laughed at Kihyun's happy tone. It seemed like their normal morning now. He showed Kihyun the frame he held in his hands. “Here look at this picture, its from way back when we graduated from university.”

”Ah thats Minhyuk and us! Wait I had a silver hair?”

”You did, it was because of a bet, I think silver look very nice on you.”

Kihyun blushed at the compliment and cleared his throat now curious about something else. “I- I remember start of Uni but, when exactly did we met _Hyunwoo_?”

”Second year, right before finishing exams.”

Kihyun knew somehow that wasn't very good time for meeting, at least for him. He was always a little bit on the edge during the exam period. “Can I ask how it went? We sure are close friends if you put up with me even after years.”

Hyunwoo cleared his throat and focused on the story rather than Kihyun repeating how good of a friend he is. “Long story short you spilled your coffee on me.”

Kihyun gasped. _Oh no._ “Accidently?... Purposely?”

“Accidently but still you yelled at me afterward why the hell was I _there_ holding the door for you because that way I ruined your morning and the coffee you held.”

“Ohmygod. Thats so rude of me! I- I'm so sorry.”

“Its okay you were stressed about exams. I thought you were cute so I let it pass and even bought you new one. But it was Minhyuk that scolded you.”

~

> “WHAT THE HECK.”
> 
> “I'm sorry I just held the door for you or else you would hit it-“
> 
> “BUT WHY WOULD-“
> 
> Minhyuk rushed to Kihyun's side, out of breath, saving him from yelling at people around, this week it was only for a third time. “I am so sorry! He is very nice young man usually when there are no exams in the sight I mean um- Kihyunnie don't be rude apologize to the nice man here. You really haven't glance where are you going and had your big nose in the textbook instead- your noisy self was about to hit that door.”
> 
> Kihyun huffed and realized it now. He really had his nose stuck in the book and didn't focus on the surroundings. _What would I do without Min if he didn't save me everytime._ “I'm sorry.” He apologized.
> 
> Hyunwoo just smiled, he saw this _Kihyun_ around campus few times already, well maybe Hyunwoo started to go to library more often just to catch a glimpse of him.
> 
> He actually noticed him weeks ago when something like this scenario happened in the library and Kihyun started ruckus out of nowhere and yelled at some girl for just looking thru the book he had reserved while his friend went there to save him just as he did now. _He is full of surprises,_ he didn't notice Kihyun in the campus really, not until he witnessed his temper in the library.
> 
> Hyunwoo was curious about this individual after that. He sure was handsome and to Hyunwoo still very cute even now, when he was yelling at _him._
> 
> So now, nervous as to what to say his tongue acted faster than his mind and he just said it. “I can buy you a new one- If -if you want.” He stuttered cutely and looked at Kihyun.
> 
> Kihyun stared back, finally _looking_ at the taller man. He was very attractive. _Way to give a nice first impression Kihyun. This beautiful man is way out of your-_
> 
> Minhyuk sensed something between them, like a spark, even though no one really said a word. They just stared at each other, so he acted for his friend before the younger screwed up even more and pushed Kihyun towards Hyunwoo now. “My _single_ friend drinks double espresso.”
> 
> “Minhyuk!”
> 
> “Shush you deserve a little break its _sunday,_ ” _And some man in your life too._
> 
> “What is your name?” Kihyun asked. 
> 
> “Its Son Hyunwoo.”
> 
> “What a lovely name..eh yes eh I am Yoo Kihyun. Please just call me by my name. I'm-I'm sorry I was rude earlier.”
> 
> “Nice to meet you _Kihyun_.” Hyunwoo said and smiled at Kihyun broadly.
> 
> Kihyun was stunned now, speachless even, Minhyuk knew that it was rare for his friend so he pushed Kihyun a bit closer to the other and took away all textbooks he held. ”Alright Minhyuk out, behave kids!” Kihyun shouted and before he ran away he whispered to Kihyun. “Don't you dare to ran away or I'll find you and drag you back ok? Have fun Kiki.”

~

Kihyun was red remembering what Minhyuk said to him. _Why did he-_ “Ah of course Minhyuk saved me. I am sorry. I might come of rude but only when I'm under stress…”

“You don't have to apologize.. its a funny story to tell now. Life has its way to bring certain individuals together.”

Kihyun stared at Hyunwoo, almost the same way like years ago, amazed. “And here you are still.”

“I'll be here always for you when you need me. I promised I will.”

 _I feel that I heard that often._ Kihyun thought in his mind but Hyunwoo answered him as if he read his thoughts. “You do hear it often because you are stubborn and don't listen to me.” 

“How?”

“I know you very well and I do know the way you think .. also you still like to do everything on your own not to burden anyone but you are not alone Kihyun.” _Not anymore._

Kihyun absentmindedly reached for Hyunwoo's hand after he heard the honesty and warmth in the words he spoke, he reached for the hand and squeezed it. "Thank you for the tea, _Hyunwoo_.”

The gesture from Kihyun was nice but Hyunwoo had to slip his hand slowly away, the feeling of Kihyun being like this was too much for his heart to handle in the moment if he couldn't hold him. “How is your head now? Do you wanna lie down?

Kihyun felt hurt, but not because his head still slightly pouded with pain, it was because Hyunwoo slipped his hand from him. “Its better. What-What time is it really?”

Hyunwoo looked at his watch “Its little over six thirty now but its sunday don't worry about anything.”

Kihyun noticed then, what slipped his attention before, a ring on Hyunwoo's ringfinger. _Oh._ He quickly glanced at his hand. _It couldn't be-_ but there was no ring on his finger. _Of course he might be married or maybe since he lives here, share a ring with a special someone…_ Kihyun felt sad now and changed the topic, since his curiosity ran wild over the special someone. “...Do you usually go that early for a run?”

“Yea I do..” He said and smiled at him. “Because you nag me if I go running right after breakfast, no offense.”

“Non taken, that sounds like me...Let me.. prepare us something.” Kihyun suggested, awaiting answer. _So I can get my mind of that ring-_

“No you don't have to! Just relax I can prepare eggs or something.” Hyunwoo said and something in Kihyun's mind clicked.

~

> _“_ What are you doing? Why do I smell smoke?”
> 
> Hyunwoo tried to hide the fire enguisher behind him. “I wanted to make a breakfast for you but ehm it didn't go well.”
> 
> “How did you manage to burn the cupboard too?” Kihyun asked the obvious. 
> 
> “I don't have answer for that.”
> 
> Kihyun sighed but rushed closer and catched the other hands in his, to look for any injury. “Did you burn yourself? Are you okay?” his voice was full of worry. The other shook his head. “God Hyunwoo, I'm not letting you to the stove from now on.”

~

“And you will get our house on fire again? Hell no mister!” Kihyun raised his voice suddenly remembering the memory when Hyunwoo burned the breakfast one time. _Wait It was a memory?_ “...Oh I'm sorry It slipped.” 

“Thats okay. I'm glad you remember this or it might really happen again.” Hyunwoo chuckled.

Kihyun caught a glimpse of the ring again and excused himself or his curious side would ruin this morning even more and he would sulk over someone that was obviously not his. “I'm sorry. I'll just go change and prepare some breakfast, cooking always calms me down anyway.”

“Ok I'll take your offer then and have a quick shower. But don't make coffee, you're not really good on that.” Hyunwoo said playfully, waiting for Kihyun's answer.

“I'm not?” Kihyun questioned Hyunwoo, not really believing that.

 _There he is, my competitive Kihyun._ “No you are good at everything. Just let me do at least one thing ok?”

“Understood, Honeybear. ” Kihyun smiled and saluted at the taller man not even noticing the nickname slipping. Hyunwoo smiled back at him before he left the kitchen. 

Kihyun was alone now, it was quiet and he felt cold, as if the bright warm presence of home he felt has left with Hyunwoo. He put empty mugs into dishwasher before exciting the kitchen. 

He went to the bedroom and heard shower running in the bathroom, when he arrived in the room he searched first for a phone or something that might help him remember sooner instead of changing clothes. 

Hyunwoo was very nice to him but he really didn't want to bother him any longer with questioning everything. Kihyun recalled their meeting in the kitchen not even hour ago, Hyunwoo looked very sad when he realized what was happening. He definitely had to go thru this more than once. _That must have been hard_. _Maybe I should move to my parents or Min since I can't remember clearly anything after uni._ _God this is frustrating. Stupid brain how can you not remember such a nice honeybear? Honeybear where did I-_

There was no phone on the nightstand so he checked the drawer on one side. The phone was there but not responding, the battery was dead. _I forgot to charge it?_ _Thats weird I always charge the phone_. He found a planner there under the phone. 

He took the planner and sat on a bed. Maybe it could help if he saw what his own hand written there. He opened it and there was stick it it note left there : ' _If you forget look under the mattress and read the letter first'_

_Letter from me, for me?_

Kihyun rumagged under matress and found an envelope. The letter was sealed, glued together, meaning no one opened it yet. On the back was written his name, he ripped it and recognized his handwriting. He started reading the letter, curious. 

* * *

_Hello future Kihyun,_

_you promised not to open this unless its happening again. Here we are then, I hope for the best its our last time._

_First take a deep breath, sit down and then I'll tell you everything. Did you? I am serious sit down you get light headed easily._

_Okay lets begin._

_I started writing this in case of losing my memory in a hope of better and faster remembering what I have lost. Hyunwoo doesn't want to tell me how it went the first time or when I forgot my memories right after I was released from hospital. Till this day I can't recall the early first times of the memory losses, I was only told I passed out and ended in hospital again. I'll try to go slow on you so it won't get worse. We can do this together Kihyun, nice and slow. I know we can._

_How do you feel? If your head hurts and its not bearable, please listen to me and don't continue. Is it good?_

_I don't know what day or season is but if its sunday, you do NOT clean up or do any chores you hear me? S_ _unday is a funday when both of you relax okay? That is your tradition now that Hyunwoo started back in university just because of you, since you were too stressed over exams. If its any other day of the week check your planner, because when you are busy you sometimes forgot to charge your phone. If there is any photoshoot this day, you can reshedule or call Jooheon (your right hand) to take care of it, since he knows your condition._

_Have a free day and relax, you were probably stressed with too much work or something so your mind threw in the nightmare, which we believe its the trigger, to erase the stress you been feeling._

_Are you good can I continue? Okay._

_You must have met Hyunwoo and wonder why is he there? I know you wonder about this man. You can trust Hyunwoo with your life even though I learned he won't tell you anything big right away ever since it triggered you once to the point you passed out. He means well don't be upset._

_It might be crazy to say, but you should always trust your heart before your mind. That is why you wrote this letter with your heart since your mind is not reliable source of information right now and let me assure you that you can trust Hyunwoo with anything. He's been there for you for over ten years now. Ah second year of exams was literally life changing huh._

_Are you sitting down? Okay continue. I'll go slowly on you._

_He probably told you he is your friend or house mate_ _but he's so much more than that._

 _You probably didn't noticed because you are too used to the feeling but please look at your left hand... If_ _you don't have the ring now I am sure you can see the pale circle on your ringfinger. You sometimes take of your ring overnight after having relaxing bath and leave it on the lamp on your side of the bed. Its there, isn't it? And you do know what I'm hinting at right?_

 _Yes. It has been almost five years now since you got married. It was_ _spring.. it was just a small ceremony at your favorite place but it was so, so beautiful. (Hyungwon cried by the way, I knooow, I had to point it out you know he rarely does it! Its caught on video, don't worry we have evidence.)_

_Future Kihyun, If its too overwhelming, please lay down for a bit and try to ease the mind and take a few deep breaths, I don't want you to pass out._

_Are you still reading? I'll try to wrap this up._

_When you finish this letter, and go talk with Hyunwoo, please look at the painting in the hall, I want to remind you why it feels so special and warm. That place is where you had your first coffee date, first picnic, proposal and even a ceremony later. Simple but very special and meaningful place for you both. The starting place of your fundays sundays._

_You might still not remember after reading this letter and thats okay, I just wanted to try a method where I wrote myself and write it straight from the heart... but I think few things might have popped already in your mind and set where they belong maybe hm?_

_You are strong person I know but you can't get thru it all alone, do not scold Hyunwoo later he just wants you safe while he suffers even more when he is watching you hurting your mind, rushing to remember... Be patient, calm and hug Hyunwoo alright? Even if this won't help just hug that stubborn bear for me will you?_

_As Minhyuk would say: 'thats true love bitch.' And it is. He never left, despite everything and every hardship he never left._

_You are loved, safe, happy and you love that man with all your heart._

_Thank you for reading this I hope it will help to kick you back, I really wish you this was last time._

_\- Kihyun, september 2019_

* * *

Kihyun didn't noticed exactly when his vision became blurry but now he was sobbing hard. 

He read the whole letter without stopping. 

His hands were shaky holding the letter, his head hurt a lot and he was glad he was sitting on the bed, he lay down, holding the letter close, staring at the ceiling when a memory hit him.

~

> _Why is he not saying anything? I yelled at him so much!_ Kihyun covered his face with his hands and sighed loudly breaking the heavy silence. ”Please just _leave me_.”
> 
> Hyunwoo catched his hands and put them down from his face, he looked down into Kihyun's teary eyes with loving expression that never left even though Kihyun was swearing at him or pushing him away. ”I'm not going anywhere.”
> 
> Kihyun looked up, tears in his eyes sliding down. He was exhausted, he wanted Hyunwoo happy and free from his messed up mind. ”Hyunwoo- _please... I beg you._ “ _I can't handle you excusing my weak self again like its nothing that I forgot you again._
> 
> Hyunwoo pushed Kihyun closer to him, holding him close. “You seem to forget we are married and I vowed not to ever leave you in front of our friends and family.”
> 
> ”Then lets get a divorce that way it will be easier for you.. that way you won't be tied to me and if you feel like its too much you could just.. leave me…I want you to be happy. This is not happy at all.. I'm a mess...”
> 
> ”NO never doing that. And before you ask I hid the marriage certificate last time you said this so good luck trying to return me without a receipt."
> 
> Kihyun snorted at the joke, surpressing laugh. “How can you joke so lightly?”
> 
> "You laughed though."
> 
> "Oh god I hate you." 
> 
> "Shush you love meeee." Hyunwoo said and stole a kiss. "Don't try to bring up me leaving you again.. you know I won't do it." 
> 
> "I know... I just want you to know if you are ever tired of this, the situation, of _me_.. you can leave." 
> 
> "I'm not going anywhere _ever_." 

~

Kihyun wiped his tears in the sleeve of his shirt. Shirt that was too big to be his to begin with. It all made sense, he remembered the lost memories now. He remembered _Hyunwoo._

 _My Hyunwoo._ The man that was driving the car that night, man that broke his leg so badly that doctors weren't sure at first he could ever walk again, man that didn't give up and worked hard on his recovery so he can be a help and support for his husband thats life was on a thread. Because Kihyun almost died that horrible night yet Hyunwoo never left his side. Not even when he woke up and didn't recognize him. 

He ran, his feet acting faster than his mind. Ran to find _Hyunwoo,_ not his housemate but a husband of five years, his support and pillar through the worst after the accident, his other half, his _everything_.

The shower wasn't running anymore that meant that the one he was looking for should be already in the kitchen.

 _Their_ , there was no one else living there, just them. 

Kihyun found him by the coffee machine preparing the promised coffee, back facing the door. He ran and back hugged his _husband_.

Hyunwoo was startled by the sudden warm body pressing to his back. “Kihyun, what are you-” Kihyun only tightened his hold and felt the tears streaming down the cheeks again. “ _Kihyun_?”

“I'm so sorry.” He mumbled between sobs.

“What are you saying-“

“Hyunwoo I'm so sorry to be a burden for you.”

“Let me turn.”

“No.” Kihyun refused to let Hyunwoo see his red eyes.

“Kihyun I can hear and _feel_ you are crying please let me turn." Kihyun loosened the tight hold and let Hyunwoo turn.

The taller looked at him, now having his glasses on and held him steady in place. Seeing Kihyun crying, he instantly wrapped his hands around his waist, hugging him. “Its okay you are safe, what happened to you there? Does your head hurt?”

“I wrote myself a letter... I guess it helped." _My head is fine but my heart hurt_ s.. Kihyun tightened his hold on Hyunwoo. “Why are you still with me Hyunwoo?” He asked, his voice quiet.

“What kind of question is that?”

“Are you still happy with me? Even after all this mess? Even when I… can't remember _you_?”

“You speak nonsense, lets get you to sit down.” Hyunwoo shook his head and released Kihyun so he could sit down. 

“Please answer me.” Kihyun stopped Hyunwoo and catched his arm.

Hyunwoo smiled and brushed Kihyuns cheek with the back of his hand. _He is really back that soon._ “I am _very_ happy.” Hyunwoo felt tears blurring his vision so he put down his glasses. 

Kihyuns vision blurred with new tears “Please hold me for a bit longer.”

“Of course, _Kihyunnie_.” Hyunwoo held him close and let Kihyun cry. "Please don't hate yourself, it pains me how you distance yourself from me when your memory comes back."

"God I really am such a _burden_. I am sorry."

"Stop it, you are not." Hyunwoo said and tried to lift up the mood with something Kihyun always did first thing in the morning. "Can I claim my morning kiss finally?” Hyunwoo, always being polite, asked Kihyun even after so many years they've been together.

Kihyun just nodded smiling and let Hyunwoo kiss him softly.

“You called me a honeybear. I'm not sure If you even noticed it. ” Hyunwoo said after they broke apart.

Kihyun chuckled “I did.” 

“Thats always a good sign.” He mentioned one of the signs he noticed over some time.

They were quiet for a while until Kihyun broke the silence. “What if one day I won't- what if I won't remember our life one day? It would be okay if you wanted to leave me you know. I just want you happy. Promise me you'll be happy. "

"I am happy right now, with you... that won't change." 

”Hyunwoo I'm so scared. I'm scared I could forget you permanently next time. That I could forget _us_.”

”Shhhh. I'll be here no matter what. Don't worry Kihyunnie. I'll always be here when you need me.” Hyunwoo said and interwined their hands together. “Even if it happens, there is big IF Kihyunnie.. then I'll make sure you'll fall for me all over again... Even if you forget me I'll stay. Even if you push me away, I'll stay around. You won't get rid of me so easily Ki.”

“Just promise me to give me the letter if there _is_ a next time...and don't hide our photos ever again….promise me.”

Hyunwoo did. “I promise.“

Kihyun felt tears seeping to his eyes, but this time it was because he was happy in this moment. “I don't deserve you...I love you so much Hyunwoo.”

“I love you too, **_always._** ”

~

THE END

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Hello, first thank you for reading this mess I'm sorry, come tear me down in the comments ufufu. I cried by the end writing this so its a mess mostly because of my emotions I'm sorryy  
> You can also find and yell at me at twitter under username Sasanka_27 if I dont reply to u here in comments


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